But now and then, and once for a long while,
the right one pulled me in close,
I’ve made so many mistakes
it’s incredible as many amazing things have happened as they have.
To have been so blessed
as to feel bliss w/ someone
even for a while feels such a gift.
Maybe I was bound to mess it up
with my worry, my intensity, my perfectionism
which make most feel separate from me.
But now and then, and once for a long while,
the right one pulled me in close, tingled my skin
& the heart of my depth and my truth;
brushed up against me,
a comfort beyond words.
But I couldn’t sustain,
even though I wished to,
maybe because I wished to.
I pushed it, and questioned it;
by trying to form it,
with unnecessary need and
Once lit never truly extinguished
We are not born once
but in a million ways in a million moments
made & chosen, lost & broken
in a brilliant spectrum of
truth & denial,
of light & trial
Sudden or slow
shapes & makes us
ever different than the moment before.
Death is different
It never feels as complete as birth
The memory holds
It cradles the past in soft palms & fingertips
or in tight clutches
But never again wholly unknown
as the birth of a new connection
Neuron to neuron, pupil to pupil
once lit never truly extinguished.
190815 Aug. 2019 lgf
Time to return
to fully enhabiting myself.
To feel intensely had drifted
We had lost our charm
through petty words & actions
Sometimes we forgot
the daily wonderful,
the gift love is,
But the core remains
solid & aware
as it was in the beginning,
and ever shall be
I donated my old slippers because I didn’t like wearing them. I also thought I had a pair waiting for me at my other house. But when I journeyed there this weekend, found none and felt a faint tingle in the back of my mind, “oh yes, I donated them too because I didn’t love them”. I am trying to get better about shooing things out of my life that I don’t heartily enjoy. This new habit I’m trying to form has left me slipperless.
Shopping is fairly torturous to me, I avoid rambling around looking for things. I don’t have a lot of belief that anything I will cherish is manufactured in bulk. Thus, when I am disproven it is usually the result of a gift. Fortunately in this instance I stumbled on a work around.
I went looking in my yarn bin for materials to make a crocheted Trotro doll for my niece’s X mas present around the same time I was experiencing slipper loss and just starting to warm up the cabin by woodstove heat.
Years ago I did my student teaching in New Zealand and I still remember the day in the market that I bought some virgin wool. A woman named Nicole made me her confidante. She was in a quandary. She said she had started to raise a few sheep to have wool for her projects. She said she had been naive, she didn’t realize they would multiple so quickly. She promised herself when there were 15 she would find a solution to keep the numbers low. She repromised at 20. She said she now had 30 and couldn’t think of having the lambs slaughtered, but couldn’t kill the old ones either. What should she do, she asked me. Me, a twenty something from America, I had no idea what to say to her. Her wools were soft and varied. Creams to greys and browns and rich charcoal, I could imagine this beautiful flock and the impossibility of trying to decide between them. These are materials I can love. I bought a variety, and way more than this non-consumer could concieve of. When I got it home to my place in NZ n realized my bags were full and I was to depart in a few days I realized I would have to wear it to get it home. I crocheted it into a long sleeveless cloak with a big pocket and traveled home encompassed in the heart of the land of NZ. It stayed that way, for years, I had never intended to keep it in that form, but somehow it remained and went on many more travels with me. Finally a few years ago I set to the task of taking it apart and finally, they are anew
Sometimes moving is just a motion
Sometimes meaning lasts just a moment
Sometimes monotony is just a mirror
Reflecting the mindless motions we make to give meaning to moments.
is there ever a time
when everything comes together in your mind
the perfect tug unravels the yarn ball tangled thoughts into a single line
clear vision lays before you
crystalline in acceptance of everything?
deserving of anything?
I get glimmers,
though any attempts to hold on,
only makes the clarity retreat more swiftly
so i must settle, for now, for here, for this
for it is all a gift.
i will try to remember on days long forgotten,
that there was ever a time.
“We” are special until we think we aren’t.
It still takes two to tango, even if we never learned how.
faults are natural, they occur.
they occur in the streets, in quiet spaces, in blank faces, in every nation.
no one can explain it all, nor understand it all.
but traveling widely it seems the world’s majority people are seekers of good, are good.
may “we” not fall into their hatred
may “we” be bigger than that.
it is the number one thing I feel writing this, after being so absent for months. I would hope I was digesting, adjusting. perhaps that is true. I would like to see it so.
in truth, i hesitated even finding the words, as my mind searched to remember this place. only to find that the key was already unlocked. it has just sat here, waiting for me. patiently, as good things seem often to do.
but right under that feeling and maybe even pushing up from under, like a child using his arms to hold up the top of the fort, I feel joy. Joy that I remember the feeling of contributing, that I can get better at it. That love is worth sharing. That telling stories is part of who we are as people. That art affects.
Realizing this, I will try to begin, bare chested. Forgetting heaviness, letting go, filling up light airy lungs with good, with truth.
Tharp recommends taking a week off from a norm in your life to feed your creative health. It’s like a non food diet, and doesn’t need to last forever, just enough to get the taste of it.
For most of this trial my ongoing experiment over the week has been the Mind Wander project in increasing time duration. But for this final week I’m trying something different all week. On page 32 Tharp recommends taking a week off from a norm in your life to feed your creative health. It’s like a non food diet, and doesn’t need to last forever, just enough to get the taste of it. This has been one of the hardest challenges of this six week trial so far. Since I don’t have tons of routines, I decided to eliminate internet time. I quickly realized there are a number of time sensitive tasks I have that utilize the internet, so I immediately needed to revise. The revision I created was that I could only go on the internet with a specific purpose, get in, accomplish it and get out. Monday I failed horribly. I think I spent almost an hour to two hours of aimless time on the internet. After that I did pretty good, until Friday again when I was off task for probably about 30 mins. I like the idea though. It seems good to have days or times when you just write your list of things to accomplish on the net and then get back to physical reality. This is definitely not anything I could do forever. There’s so much good stuff out there on the internet that is good community building and inspiring that I think I would be missing out.
You could take this exercise in a lot of directions though. Tharp mentions some examples of a week without a watch, mirrors or newspaper. All could have very different effects on your reality.
After a week of doing this I think the biggest reward was having more focus and intention with my internet time. Even when I slipped off track I was more cognizant of what I was doing, because I was self regulating. Awareness seems to go a long way in terms of helping to curb unwanted behavior, but self-discipline is the big bouncer you need in your club to help awareness weave a path through the crowd. Without discipline I think awareness could just make you feel bad about yourself. It did that some for me, but because I did follow through on my commitment often, it wasn’t horrible. And who knows for some people becoming aware that they don’t like their own behavior and feeling bad about it, might just be the kick in the pants they need to make a change. Everyone is different.